Pieces of My Pondering #2
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The next phase, the next chapter…who will I morph into next? What mould will I conform to, or what pliable substance will help me achieve my new form?
These questions bubble to the surface of the very full pot on my stove top. I keep adding bits and pieces of puzzles that don’t match together, and expecting a whiff of inspiration to plume out.
Do I want to go down the route of tattooing? Or continue to fit for my place in the traditional art community that seems to want to lead me away? Do I find another path all together and fit into the corporate, capitalistic nightmare of a world I find myself in? I fear I won’t make a decision until I end up at the crossroads.
I don’t want to ge to the point of stagnating in place, unsure and fearful of my next move – but each step towards a clear goal is, frankly, freaking me the fuck out.
I know the fear is placed right next to my gut for a reason. Twice I decided to make a decision and found myself in a corner. When I made the decision to be an artist and art manager, I felt like I was finally: 1. Making a decision for myself, and 2. Sticking to something I was passionate and good at. Now that I have been put down and ran over within the area that I envisioned myself in – I feel deflated, and like my decision was yet again, wrong. However I know that if I gave up everytime I wasn’t welcomed warmly, enthusiastically, or with interest – then I would never get anywhere with anything I wanted to accomplish. I need to have more confidence in myself and my abilities, and start advocating for myself.
Recently I have done this, speaking up about things that have affected me and my art career. But now, I have to deal with the weight and power behind my voice, and the assumptions behind not ever knowing the impact it leaves behind. Because I have never used my voice in this way, I’m unsure of the strength behind it or the projection of the echo. I fear that I may have caused things unintentionally and unwillingly. It was out of my control and by far what I wanted, but the effects of standing up for myself are being seen and it’s terrifying. Almost more so than before when I was silent and placating.
But even through the feelings and anxiety – I can’t stop. I have to find my power, figure out how to properly wield it.
I have to find my path and stick to it.
But I also have to know when to stop.
In a world of black and white – how can I find the gray?